Reflections - Harry Conte

So many times we do not see,
that all of life is a memory:
Of days gone past both bad and good,
and so we dream, as dream we should:
But one should always keep in mind,
that a memory is a day behind:
Live for today with its joy and sorrow,
for today is the memory we dream of tomorrow.

Hope

What is most dear to you? Do you even know? When you lose it or just think you have, that is when the truth is revealed. My roommate told me that my fish died, my 'Hope'. My world crumbled in that moment. For many she is just a fish, mmm sushi they joke. To me she is more than a fish. Her name is Hope, because Hope keeps me going. Everyday keeps going because of the hope that we will all be in heaven, hope that Jesus just might return on this day and I won't have to wonder where I'm going for Christmas, hope that today will glorify him, hope that I'm here for a reason. What if all the hope in the world faded away, died? That is how I felt. That is what happens when you give your fish a name like 'Hope' the time will come when I'll have to face reality that my fish will die, yet another thing to leave me, but I'm promised this 'blessed hope'

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say 'No' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope - the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ" - Titus 2:11-13

Thanksgiving Break Wrap-up!

Friday night: Monika, Brittany and I went to Denver. Brittany's parent's bible study lead by Paul, a man gifted with prophecy (I'm still pondering all he said) Said up talking with B's parents and then bed. (For my sign language class I was silent on Friday, made things even more interesting)

Saturday: Brittany took Monika and me to the airport. I slept the whole plane ride. Mom, dad and Craig greeted me at the airport. We later went for a walk, I cooked some VERY spicy stirfry and watched 'Coach Carter'(not a bad movie)

Sunday: Movie theatre for 'Chicken Little' (a must see, it was too funny, I love the pig!) Grocery shopping. My next door neighbors found out I was home so I played with them for a couple hours.

Monday: Went to my old high school to observe a math teacher, my old volleyball coach. Came back for lunch and help my dad rack the leaves. Back to school for 6th period and a forever long conversation afterward, I always forget that Mr. Healy is a talker.

Tuesday: Oatmeal for breakfast! Listened to music on computer and then chess board shopping with my parents. 1:30 I went to my old elementary school to walk Katie home from school and to see my old 6th grade teacher. I realized how much older I am. I saw my old 6th grade teacher Mr. Raino (the best teacher ever), my 4th grade teacher (she now has a 6 year old, when I had her she wasn't even married!), My 2nd grade teacher and my first grade teacher. They all remembered me and all shared a embarrassing story for Katie to laugh at me for. They all encouraged me for my desire to become a math teacher! For the next couple hours I played with Katie and her sister, that included climbing to the top of the tree in the front of my house. Back home for my mom's pre thanksgiving turkey dinner. Went to a string trio recital in Caldwell. Kent arrived around midnight but I was already in bed.

Wednesday: Breakfast with mom at a cute cafe downtown. Shopping for CD's and clothes, it was a fun time. I convinced my family to go ice skating well all except Kent. It was fun I skated for a straight hour and of course fell on my butt once. Craig gave me and Kent our Christmas presents early. He had messed up on his order of a MP3 player and so we each got one. Sweet because I've been thinking about getting one and so I spent the rest of the evening putting songs on it.

Thursday: Turkey day! Went to grandma's at noon. My aunt Bev and precious arrived a little later with the food. My cousin Lacey and her boyfriend also came. Watched football, ate (real potatoes!), watched more football, played UNO like always, ate pie (YES! My aunt's apple pie!) and called it a night. Watched 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 days'

Friday: Craig and mom went to the mall for fun! I was a sleep of course! Took Katie downtown for the Festival of Trees and then back home. We then took a drive to Bogus, 6000ft elevation mountain? I drove the windy roads and that was fun. Dad made macaroni and Cheese! Watched James Bond movie, Numb3rs and the end of 'Hook'

Saturday:I woke up long enough to see a beautiful sunrise and the freshly fallen snow before falling back asleep. Craig and I fought over sifted flour and then made cookies. We joked the whole time. 12 dozen was the total! The five of us went on a walk which include passing a football around and pushing mom on the swing until she almost vomited. Craig and I slaughtered mom and dad at the game Rook. Learned the lesson that cell phones aren't washable! Packed and watched the Notre Dame/ Stanford football game!

Sunday: woke up at 2 and was to excited to fall asleep. Got ready at 4:30. Got to the airport at 5:30, plane left at 7 and arrived in Denver at 9. Took the 10:20 shuttle back to the Fort.

Let go of the edge

Have you ever been Ice Skating? I went on my second try today and I must say there is a valuable lesson to be learned. The only way to get better is to get away from the edge and brave the open ice.

How often does God calls us to do something and we just run to the safety edge where we know that we won't fall, where no body well come along and knock us down. I cry out for freedom but when he gives it to me I run cause I'm blind of the gifts and strengths he has given me. Yes we will fall as I did today but it really doesn't hurt that bad compared to the lost opportunity to see if you could do it.

Jesus my Groom

I wrote this last fall, during one of my alone times with God and a guitar. It's about the love I've found in Jesus.

My heart was cold and empty
I was hungry and in search of love
In search of a man like the movies
to love me, care for me until
I am old and gray
I hope to find a man that would
give me all I wanted
who would make me happier and hold me tight
we would have beautiful children and live in
a perfect little home

But to my surprise
the man I would fall in love with
was more than I imagined
He has loved me from the beginning
despite all my faults, and imperfections

I never thought that
the one I ignored
the one I denied
the one I despised
would be the one I would love

Now I will dedicate myself to you
Give you all I have
because it was your grace that saved me
Now I live by a new plan

Jesus I long to be your bride
Whisk me away on your mighty stallion
ride me off into the sunset of my dreams
and we can live happily ever after
in your mighty kingdom, that I call home

Message of Love

Yesterday I was walking to class listening to the Building 429 CD and "No one Else Knows" played. It was one of those I've listened to this song a couple times before but now, this moment in time it resonates with me. I had to stop and soak it in, I was only a little late to class.

"I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands"

I try not to give songs too much great, or use them as my only link to God. But there are those verses like the above one that are just poetic versions of my own prayer. I could ramble on but there aren't words to express or explain what God has been telling me this week. A message of love despite of me, I'll I have to do is leave my life in his hands.

No One Else Knows -Building429

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

His Love Endures Forever

So I went to the ER last night because of Chest pain, but no worries because it was just heart burn! While there my friend Katie brought me my bible. Delightfully I flipped to the psalms. Katie's Fav being 136. To sum it up "His Love Endures Forever" And it does. I sat there as my friends took turns visiting me all with the same worried face and the same question "are you all right" and all finishing with the same statement "I love you". The doctor began to joke with me that the waiting room was getting overcrowded with my fan club! He was a funny one, nickenamed the "clown". Reminded me of an Indian version of Patch Adams. If he didn't know what was wrong with you medically he could at least make you smile. He said something that stuck with me in the since of a conviction. "Be thankful" he said. give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. -1 Thes 5:18 It is a blessing that I have so many that love and care for me. Even to the point that they wouldn't believe I was alright unless they saw me in person. I am thankful, I am thankful that they love me. But at the same time I'm even more thankful for God's love for me. God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. - Psalm 46:1 (I randomily chose as I was lying in my hospital bed). During the whole event God was there as my refuge and strength, from beginning of the pain to when all the EMT's and firemen came into my room to the ambulance ride, through all the tests and even now hours after the ordeal. He still loves me, no more no less.

So now even after all of that I still have to take a test this evening, Crud! But thankful because God is with me!

Thanks for all the prayers! I may be stubborn but I do need you all at times so thankyou.

11:11.11 on 11/11 PRAISE GOD!!!

I just happened to take a glance at my clock at just the right moment!

So what am I thankful for:

-I'm thankful for the glorious sunrise this morning, the couple seconds I saw before falling right back asleep
-I'm thankful for Angie and the wonderful breakfast with her
-I'm thankful for my many jobs
-I'm thankful for my parents allowing me to go to CSU
-I'm thankful for the hard lessons
-I'm thaknful for the beep-beep of the card reader at the dorms, and the beep-clunk! of the card rereader at work
-I'm thankful for warm/cold/warm/cold showers
-Im thankful for tater tots
-I'm thankful that I'll be home in 8 days
-I'm thankful for all the brothers and sisters God has blessed me with
-I'm thankful that You(God) love me
-I'm thankful that Jesus died for my sins, rose in 3 days and now waits for my arrival and until then has blessed me with the Holy Spirit
-I'm thankful that God's word runs through my head
-I'm thankful for this life and the purpose you have for it

Minesweeper or Mindsweeper

I confess my addiction to the game of Minesweeper. Sitting hours in front of a computer in the labs often results in me participating in the mind draining game of minesweeper. Once a game that challenged my mind has now turned into one that turns my brain to mush not to mention there is nothing gained only a loss. If there was a way that I could delete it from the computer that would be a life saver. But that leads me to where God fits in this whole story. I'm referring to thoses struggles and situations when we wish we could just delete the thoughts, delete the mistakes, delete the situation that we don't want to face. But rather than deleting God gives us the courage and strength to overcome. To be self controlled. We are going to have to have those hard conversations, we are going to have to overcome those temptations. We aren't promised to be free from these things but instead give them up to God (prevent anxiety, Phil 4), seek his guidance, accept his Spirit of power and rejoice in the suffering because we are being obedient.

Prayer

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful." Colossians 4:2

So I decided for some random reason to read colossians today. Oh boy did God bless that decision. One of the verses that really jumped out was 4:2

Ok devote yourself to prayer, I've heard that before, I'm not perfect at it but I try. But we are also called to be watchful. Watchful?!?! I took that to mean watch how God answers prayers. We are suppose to pray with the belief that we will be answered so why not watch. Why not watch to see how God answers the prayer. Open our hearts and minds to the way God works, to see that he answers the prayers but not in the way we expect.

and be thankful. Thankful for the answered prayer.

So pray, watch to see how God answered it and be thankful for when he does.

Emotional wreck

It's amazing how quickly I can turn into a emotional basketcase. I went for a short walk last night to a wooded area near the dorms, that I would go to last year all the time. Last time I was there was at the beginnning of year. Well things have changed. Normally I go to this one stump and ponder things through with God but last night I arrived to discover that my much loved stump was gone! To you all this may be a silly thing to get worked up over, but for me it was an important part of my life, something that was not suppose to change, it was a security. When the world was spinning around me it would sometimes be the one thing standing still. Now it is gone! Oh boy did I get worked up. More faith in a stump! I cried to God about everything because I was convinced that I had no faith, convinced that God didn't care to answer my prayers. Back at the dorms I cried out to Liz, emotional as ever, not allowing the truth she was speaking to settle. I stormed off only to be confronted with Emily's Holy Spirit. There I had to confess that I was allowing Satan to tell me lies, confess that I was running from the body and not letting my brothers and sisters help me. Off into a quiet place by myself with God was her perscription. There I found peace.

So what is to be learned of this story. Well I learned that it is so tempting to run from the body, thinking that they don't carry. Really your just letting the devil have a foothold which is wrong (Eph. 4:27). When you are struggling let your brothers and sisters bear with you only then will you taste true peace.

God is everything and everything else

A journal entry:
But God didn't promise an easy life. He did promise a life not without him. He is that hand to hold when dad tightens the braces, he is that friend to hug when your world is falling apart, he is that tissue that catches every tear, he is that bear to squeeze when scared, he is that blanket to warm when the world hits you cold, he is that fish that listens to every word without judgment, he is that story that made be want to become a princess in my peaceful dreams, he is that nightlight that makes me feel safe, he is that counselor that tells you what you need to do to make things right, he is that parent that gives you all you need and want, he is that letter from a teacher that inspires you to be all you want to be, he is that lover that just enjoys painting a sunset just to see you smile, he is that empty room that always reveals the true self, he is the perfect being that one looks up to. God is everything and everything else.

I speak the truth, but I don't like it

I hate it when my ownself erks me. I hate it when it's clearly all my fault. I hate it when I sin, when I'm disobedient and when I'm complacent. I hate that all I can do is cry out to God, asking why do I do it? No condemnation just peace. But again I'm not perfect. My intial reaction to failure is condemnation. That is why I ask to be filled with the Spirit so that I don't mess up to begin with and secondly so that if I do I will be filled with peace.

Walking to class yesterday (answer to pray, I went to every class despite the MANY temptations, Praise God) I was reading the Collegian to see what these reporters consider important news. The first article was about that house church group that sets up a table on the plaza. It's amazing how much talk there is about God and Christianity, it makes my heart beat faster. The second article was about Harvey Milk Day. I knew this article would come because I was quoted after an enjoying half hour long conversation with Andy. I learned alot yesterday. I read the article and reaching my quote something in me turned over(not the eggs I had for breakfast but my Spirit)

I'll quote myself again, "I don't know what it's like to be discriminated against." How could I say that, better yet why is it true?

Luke 21:17 All men will hate you because of me.
John 7:7 The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify that what it does is evil.
Matthew 10:22 All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.
Mark 13:13 All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.
Luke 6:22 Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.
Matthew 24:9 Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me.

I should be discriminated against. discrimination is treatment based on one's class. I am a citizen of Heaven, I am a follower of Jesus. What about the scriptures? Why don't I face discrimination everyday because I'm a Christian? Why am I not persecuted here? seriously! I won't except that it is hard to be a Christian in America, it only is because we aren't being real Christians, we are complacent. I am a sleep and I want to be awoken! I want to be on fire for Christ. I wanted be like those Jesus speaks of, handed over to be persecuted and put to death...because of him. I'm not asking to be persecuted just for the sake of persecution but because I want to glorify God. I want my faith and obedience to be so strong that the world hates me, trully can't stand me and my odor.

14But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. 15For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? 17Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God. - 2 Corinthians 2:14-17

Like men sent from God, I want those around me to know that I follow Chirst, I want my presense to shake people. I want to be a fork in the road. Either people run to God or run from God because of my testimony!

My prayer: God I pray for the opportunity to die to myself today, the opportunity to chose you above this world. I pray for my day as I am going and coming, you are watching over all my actions and you will never forsake me, thank you. But God I want to be used by you, I want to be exausted for you at the end of the day. God I pray for guidance and for the increase of faith. I desire not to just speak of persecution but to experience it as well.

John 12:24

This is for you Eddie, thanks for sparking the joyful discussion at dinner.

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." - John 12:24

In order to produce fruit, in order to follow Christ we must die. We must die to ourselves.

“Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it." Mark 8:34-35(New King James)

Do you desire to follow Christ, do you desire to do God's Will? Then you my brother must die, you my sister must die.

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." Hebrews 11:13-16(ESV)

We should keep our eyes fixed on our true home. If we do, the lives we have here look less desirable. Oh the joy of that thought!

I was told the other day to stay joyful, I struggled with this truth because at the time I was in much anguish, anguish over this world. I was sick of it and its lies. How could I found joy in this moment. The joy to be found was that Christ died for us and is calling us to die to ourselves. Peace is not in this world it is in the place to come. Praise God for his word, for his faithfulness and for the beautiful God that he is.

I leave you with this challenge and question. First memorize scripture, memorize the truths that God has given us because they will protect us from the lies that Satan tries to push into our minds. They will remind us of the joy that we have in Christ.

And the question is: How have you died today?(Let God answer what that means)

Praise God for the Saints he puts in my life.