I want to go home

Many find it unbelievable when I say that I hate going home, I dread holidays because it means that I have to go home, they kick me out of the dorms, look at me strange if I don/t book a flight. Why is it so hard to imagine that I just don't want to go to that house in Boise? I don't call it home anymore and haven't for some time now. I must admit there are fun times and I do get excited sometimes to go back. Today I went ice skating and shopping with my mom, I helped make a cake with my brother and tonight we are going to all watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' my all time favorite movie and tradition. I could get caught in the family traditions and joy of the season but I just don't anymore, it is dead to me.

I try to not let the truth of Christ's birth die in my heart but it's hard this time of season, in this house, with these people to celebrate such a joy. A family that yells at each other constantly and hides it all minutes later with jokes and fake smiles. They try to buy happiness and eat happiness but because neither are satisfying they consume more, I'm disguised not so much with them but with myself. As I'm here I easily get caught in the search for satisfaction in such worthless idols. I get caught up in the variety of foods that we can make and eat, I trick my mom in to getting me those things that I think will bring me a better life and I stare at that TV watching movies and episodes of 'Deal or no deal'. It's not that I mad at them its that I mad at myself. Choosing things of this world rather than God and I wonder why it is so hard to read and pray when I'm here! Hard to believe God would still love such a wretch as me, but he does and will forever. He is patient as I need to be with my mom, he is loving as I need to be with my dad, He is forgiving as I need to be with my brother, he is giving as I need to be with my brother and I need to die to myself..."Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." - Philippians 2:3-4, but read it all. Christ was born and from there humbly lived, obedient to death, gave all of himself for me and you and my family and this world...dare I complain of my time here as this blog started as, I wanted to throw in the towel and plea that God take me home, I wanted to quit and live for myself in heaven, but that is not how it works only humbly will I enter heaven...I am not humble.

As you read this don't just pray for me but pray for yourself as well because if you don't realize the sin in your own life, if you don't see your own fallen world, wake up! We all need humility...be like Christ oh we can if we die, die, die to our filthy selves and humbly love and serve God's children. This is the family God put me in so that I would face up to the reality and see that God as a 'good' plan for my life, a 'good' plan that brings him glory not me.

If my brother wants me to cook him dinner, than I should. If my mom wants me to go shopping with her than I should. If my brother wants to tickle me than I should let him, and whoever asks from me something let me give freely...for like I told a friend yesterday, 'It is all God's' that includes our possessions and our very selves.

A Dinosaur named Sue!

I decorated this cake myself!

Sugar High! That is the only problem cause every time the frosting got on me I licked it off. I don't want to know how much sugar I consumed but I know it was a lot because I fell really funny! There was a plus to this dinosaur, to this massive cake project that my dad, my brother and I started yesterday and finished this evening. It was time together with the two of them, time not spent yelling and arguing but just fun time. Plus my dad got to pass his old cake making skills on to two of his kids. On another note it is a plus because when it became my turn to frost I was eventually left alone, so alone I listened to a couple messages and prayed, I got some genuine time with God which has been hard to find here at home. I wanted to share this praise and my new skills at cake decorating!



Now I got to help my brother make a homemade pizza! mmm...

(The dinosaur's name is Sue because one of the things we discussed while making this cake was Johnny Cash's song, 'A Boy named Sue', did Sue want to kill his father?)

Desire

I've been reading Harry Potter. I thought it better than me wasting my time on TV and movies. From the first book which I have just finished I have gotten the idea for this post. The mirror that allows one to see one's deepest desires.

Also last night I finally watched the second Pirates of the Caribbean. The idea for this blog also comes from that movie. Jack carries around this compass that points one to their deepest heart's desire. For Jack there was never a definite direction but for Elizabeth it pointed to where William was. The one she loves is her deepest desire.

So what is my deepest desire? What is it that my heart longs for above all else? I pray and hope that it is God but I'm afraid that is not so. What if I was to look into that mirror and not see God but instead something else. If I was to hold onto that compass would it point me to God and his word or would it point me down a different path? I'm afraid!

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. - Psalm 73:35

Look at what I have written If I had not the genuine desire of God than I would not have the fear of any other desire being greater. God is most important in my heart no lie of Satan will change this. There still could be things that I'm putting forward in my mind and heart and it is those things that need go. My pray for my self and you is that those things be made clear and be destroyed. If my God, our God is so jealous for our love we not he make it apparent when we are putting other things before him? Maybe not at first but most likely a situation will come when we will have to choice between God and our idols, that is when I pray that we burn our idols and choice the infinite loving God. Let us keep each other in our prayers.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

I caught you painting the sky,
I felt your tears fall
I heard your might in the rolling thunder
and now I stand in awe of You.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I want to wake to your beauty
I want to walk with your peace
I want to stand in your strength
I want to live in your love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SKI SKI SKI

The TEN Reasons I had fun this weekend with Maggie and Laura in Steamboat

1. We saw a fox, a ram and fake horses
2. Maggie didn't get killed by a bear that put Laura into Shock saying, 'Bear, Bear'
3. I did somersaults down the hill and lived to giggle about it
4. Laura falls standing up
5. Visitor center and 'Soda Fountain' Pharmacy
6. Going really fast down a run is fun when you have control
7. Saunas and warm beds
8. Beautiful scenery, Blankets of Snow
9. Funny road trips
10. Relaxing and not worrying about anything except for falling!

"I Love to Ski!"

it is NOT our time

I was pondering today our availability for each other. At first I was complaining to my self and God about how as a team we don't fellowship that much, and how we aren't available for each other enough. God quickly reminded me that I too haven't been that available. Not just my time to be a listening ear or a helping had. But my heart hasn't been that available for the team. God what needs to change in my life? What needs to change in our lives? So we can be there for each other...

mad dash in the wrong direction

As my heart pounded on my mad dash to Weber to print before class today I had a thought. A thought that in my mind is worthy of a post. It is the reason I was dashing, actually running. Flip flops, sweatpants I slept in, t-shirt I wore yesterday and a notebook of scattered papers. The day started at 4am little more tired but content and joy filled. Less than ten hours later I was adding a title and my name to my final honors paper for my final honors class. Sadly I scrolled down my creation only to realize I was one page short of the target, one page short of perfection. Agh the story of my life. Often I have been caught one page short, one point short, one day short of what I had in my mind as perfection. Here I was once again. After what I considered an excellent paper, after pouring my soul out into or maybe just a little. I had to settle with the incomplete creation and since I was running late, funny saying I thought as I ran myself off to the computer lab because I still think the idea of having your own printer silly. I was hot from the sun shining on me as I frantically finished the paper, I was tired from lack of good sleep, I was drained from the life that constantly moves and drags me along, I
was frustrated with a poor paper and I was more frustrated with...

I was more frustrated with my spirit. In the past 2 hours the paper became my number one priority. I turned into the roommate who is demanding as she puts her life as the first in the pair, the roommate I hate. I turned into the friend who shoos you away roughly with not even a word of hello. I turned into the friend who was irritated by your loving attempt to calm my spirits with a hug. I turned into the friend who paid not attention to your presence, in any other situation would have. I turned into that person that nudges people to the side when they are in the way, but don't worry I didn't actually nudge anybody. I was that person I hate, I was so mad at myself that I almost ripped my paper up to show my frustration.

And now I must contniue the frantic dash to finish everything that is due tomorrow. But wait shall I continue the sprirt of evil or will I stop and rest in God and apologize to all those that I hurt?

This is the point in life that I don't understand. The godly life in the world. Spending your time on others, spending your time with God, spending your time fixing mistakes made, spending your time in fellowship, spending your time in serving, spending your time in whatever God calls you up to do. Hair cuts and birthday cakes and late night conversations with friends. But wait is it my time or is it God's?

Crush! It is God's and I must die to myself as he said, I knew this would be hard!
...and I'm dead

All this is ironic because my paper was all about those around me and how they help me to develop myself! Looks like I just wrote my last page!

Grace and Joy

Do you see the beuatiful connection between grace and joy? I do or atleast I think I do. We mess things up royally with our relatioinship with God. We come to our senses that is God changes our hearts. We see our sin, that is God points out every area we messed up. We confess to God and ask to be forgiven by those involved, if the case applies. We trust in his promises, we hold to the hopes we have in him, we bow and give all of ourselves to him...this all sounds as it is the five easy steps to fixing your relationship with God...but they aren't easy and they aren't steps. It requires humility, patience, and complete, I mean complete!, trust in God because all is through him and by him and in him, all is him! That is when you see grace, when God shows you a glimpse of what your wrethchedness deserves and then he wraps you with his love and gentleness and forgiveness and Christ's precious blood, everything we do not deserve...that is grace. That is what brings peace and joy...his message, his good news, his love and nothing of ourselves.

"But the angel said to them, 'do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.'" - Luke 2:10

"In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace." - Romans 6:11-14

100 things to be thankful for

1. God's infinite love for me
2. Christ's death on the cross
3. Snow
4. Forgiven sins
5. silence of morning
6. God's listening ear
7. God's patience
8. candles
9. moonlight
10. faithful women
11. Michelle Carter
12. Laura "nilo"
13. sign language
14. chocolate
15. silly conversations
16. encouragements
17. Hope in God
18. a loving church
19. Tom Brown
20. Mandy brown
21. beautiful voices
22. Hymns and true Christmas songs
23. Holy Night
24. old town square
25. bike rides
26. walks in the snow
27. Maggie
28. ski trips
29. my mom
30. my mom's love for me
31. my grandma
32. the deaths of my grandpas
33. warm blankets
34. falling asleep with prayer
35. Ashley's hugs
36. Becky's hugs
37. change for the better
38. Lannea
39. The Word
40. The Living and Active Team
41. Kate the Great
42. Kelsey
43. flowers
44. Daisies
45. root bear
46. dressing up
47. warmth
48. God's holiness
49. Christlike expectations
50. sanctifying work of the Spirit
51. kids
52. skipping
53. dancing
54. worship
55. prayer
56. bond of brothers and sisters
57. front desk job
58. Michelle and Dave
59. smiles
60. tears
61. painting
62. running
63. Faith and Jonah and Rupert
64. bunk beds
65. laptops
66. coffee shops
67. running into friends
68. bell ringers
69. 1300 Laporte
70. Martha Stuart brothers
71. Cristin's snuggling hug-able love
72. ice cream
73. d-team smith
74. that we are always late
75. Stephen's fixed truck
76. 3 broken leaders
77. peace of God that really does transcend all understanding
78. gift searching for loved ones
79. smell of lavender
80. Sovereignty of God
81. Heaven
82. The Shepherd
83. we shall enter his court
84. washed white as snow
85. strength of the Lord
86. His faithfulness
87. 2SE
88. Liz and her fish
89. Lesley's heart for prayer
90. Grace
91. Mercy
92. dogs and turtles
93. hard classes
94. Corbett night dinners
95. Newsom Hall
96. making cookies with my brother
97. drives with my dad
98. shopping with my mom
99. making the table
100. Psalm 100 and God's call for my life