Still Here

I'm writing to let you know I'm still here...alive and well...oh and God is still good!

I've been thinking about something lately...The season of fall, autumn, what every you may call it. I love when the trees change color and fall, drift to the ground. I was sitting on my loft yesterday looking out the window like I always do up there. I was watching the leaves fall from the giant trees on the South side of Newsom, if you don't know what I'm talking about you should come check it out. Grab a book and lay in the leaves as they fall on you and the gentle breeze lets you know you are still alive, the sun shines and you you drift into a nap, oh I love it! So back to the leaves.

Somebody pointed out to me that this time of the year is often associated by students as a beginning of something but yet it is a time of leaves falling and dying. It brings me to the point of "Things must die before there is life. Think about the Christian life, think about what God calls us to do. We are called to die so that we might truly live, we are called to take up our crosses daily, die to yourself everyday so that life could flow through you.

"How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies" - 1 corinthians 15:36
"For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." - Col 3:3
"Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies;'" - john 11:25

Death and life...my thoughts will continue

I'm falling deeper in love...

...as I go through the thick and thin with God I find more tear fill my eyes, my grin gets bigger and my heart gets lighter. I don't really know what it is like to truly be in love but I think that it's like this. Oh how sweet is my time in God's love, everyday that I trust him brings me closer and closer to him and his deep love for me. I just want to go deeper and deeper, I just want to fall completely in his hands, surrendering everything to my king...

"I was washed with the blood of my lover, poured on to me, oh what true love this is"

"Falling in love" by Falling Up

You are my one true love
You are the voice that is so sweet
In everything I do, you bring the best out of me
You are my wings to fly
You are the wind beneath them
I miss you every night, when I close my eyes
You put your feelings down
You stopped your tears you brought me love
You held on to my heart
You held with hope to have me near
Sometimes I close my eyes
Sometimes I let my hunger rise
I think of all you are, you are the love of my life

(Chorus X3 )
All of my dreams and my passions
Are in your hands

You reached me in my need
Your rhythm flows under my skin
I need you desperately,
A sweet healing that will begin
You are my one true love
You are the voice that is so sweet
In everything I do, you bring the best out of me
My everything is you
The very motions that I move
And everything with richness
The richness of the peace you bring

(Chorus X3)

Always, always you are with me (X3)

(Chorus X3)

You are the love of my life
He comes to find you on your knees

I quit

I finally got up the courage to quit my engineering lab job. I never realized how big of a step of faith it was until I got to the entrance of the building where my boss worked. I stood still for the longest time, frozen with fear...but I reflected back to what I prayed this morning for this moment, I asked for courage and boldness and sure enough in response..."When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted" (Psalm 138: 3)...and I remembered that God was good, a basic truth but yet sometimes so hard to wrap your mind around...

Done...

I cried as I said goodbye because before in my mind I was saying goodbye to a job, to work, to money, to time that should be spent else where...but I forgot I was saying goodbye to the people as well...I love my boss and my co-workers but one must move on...

Peace...oh the sweet joy of peace and knowing that I just obeyed God, he is pleased.

That was hard...so what is next?

If you lead me...

These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. (1 Peter 1:7)

I'm about to take a step that I'm more than scared of, I'm frightened...but why? Why is that when we are about to take steps I mean leaps of faith we curl up in fear and tremble...why is it that tears stream down my face and my heart skips a beat? I need to trust God and not just the christian to do of saying "Trust God" but the real "Trust God" or I'll end up in a ditch cold and hungry wondering why I didn't just take the step of faith...So now that I have you on the edge of your seat I guess I'll tell you what kept me awake last night and what brought tears when I arose this morning..."I'm quitting" What you ask? My job at the engineering lab. A good paying job, with flexible hours, easy load of work, free printing, silence most of the time, and great people. There I told God last night and I''m telling you this morning so in stone it lies...

Last night I asked for a message that would guide me and show me some direction because I felt like my world was being tossed in a bowl like a salad and I couldn't take much more of it...I need the light to shine on my path and I needed something in my life to stop spinning...God never dishes out more than you can handle and so right when my last finger was breaking loose from my hold, God caught me...The message was in my mind a message about making yourself available and open and humble so that God could guide and direct you where he wanted you..."If you lead me Lord I will follow, where you lead me Lord I will go..." (Invitation Fountain by Michael J. Pritzl)...so he did and now I will follow

It only makes sense to leave you with a verse that kept me hanging on yesterday until the evening when God had a message for me. It reminds of when Brandon Pullen told us in New Orleans about when he was looking for housing for us. John Meyer told him to look and if nothing found by Friday, come back and we'll go somewhere else this summer. So come that thursday night no housing was found and no leads where clear but faith kept this brother praying and barely, but still believing. And sure enough God provided the next day. Oh how easy it would have been to just quit Thursday night. Oh how easy it is for us to quit right before God answers...right before God shows his glory...Hang on there dear saint whatever God is pressing on your heart or whenever you are at the point of just giving up, don't it could be the night before...That person on your heart that you've been pleading with God to be saved maybe tomorrow the angels will sing or maybe you are trusting God with a provision or something and there doesn't appear to be any hope that anything is on the way just maybe at your doorstep it will lie or maybe the next phone call is the answer...

Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall. (Psalm 55:22)

Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me (John 16:32)

Why?

Why does my heart hurt so? Why do I find this room to be so cold? Why do so many people cry themselves to sleep? Why do we wander about this world in seek of that glitter, that shine, that something that we think will make us happy? Why do we seek to satisfy the flesh? God it has never lasted, the laughter of a joke ends, the warmth of hot tea cools, goodness of chocolate melts away in our mouths, the shouts of victorious ball games quiet down, the movie ends and we are left alone in this cold world…or at least until we get up again and search to find that pleasure…once again in the dark, in tears we find…until we face the truth…only in God will the smiles remain Forever, the warmth will stay, the sweet love will remain, the honor of victory will not be taken away, the story, well the story is being written right now…the story is you, not Audrey Hepburn, but you! God is writing our stories and these ones take more than two hours, they are…FOREVER! There will still be cold nights and tear drenched pillows but not alone, nobody wants to be alone…just open your eyes. .. … …. That rainbow, that cloud, that hug, that squirrel, that bird, that rain drop, that rain drop and that one and that one and…that sound…that thunder, that crack, that stillness, that whisper…”Abra…I love you!” shh…stop the music, it’s a train whistle (funny)…home…stop and listen to your heart, mmm…rest and peace for God is good and knows our hearts, knows our struggles and knows how to make things better…kiss the elbow and smile…for the pain lasts only a while but the joy and love well that’s FOREVER!

Acting like a Christian

I wish I had some prefound thought on the subject but I'm only bringing it up in order to start thinking. This subject has been popping up in my world for the past 2 weeks...

It all started or at least me really starting to think about it...some friends of my roommate (luckly not best friends) stopped by to see our dormroom and then while there began to plan what would be done next, drinking of course because that is the only way to have in this world, right! I was only mildly disgusted with their idea to have "fun" because lets face it that is what most college students do, sadly:( But when 2 of them openly shared that they were Christians that is when my heart stopped and I had to fight back the urge to cry a lake or lock them in the room until they come to their senses. Neither of the 2 happened, I even tried to find a verse against drunkness but my eyes would not see the references in my concordence. Why did God not reveal to me verses? I don't say this as anger to him but wanting to know why that wasn't the right time. After they left I looked again and they were as clear as day to read. I wanted to yell at God for not stopping them and for not changing their hearts but all I could do was cry. Their words hurt me..."Following Jesus all the way to the keg"...it still hurts. How can God take this when his children sin...my heart felt it for those 2...God feels it for everybody...every second...every sin! That is when I really broke down...I sin...I was sinning that night with my hate and judging...I'm sinning right now with my pride and fear..."For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God" (romans 3:23)

Where am I going with this? I don't know because I don't understand.

Moving on to another conversation I had with 2 girls on my hall. We talked about how non-christians watch us like hawks when we claim to be "Christians" they watch our lives and that is when we must come to God everyday and call to him to fill us with the Spirit. That is why we strive to be Christ like, that is why we die to ourselves and surrender our lives at the cross. But that isn't why! We don't live for them, but by living for God we show the world what it means to live as a christian.

Next...A fellow sister was telling me last night that she was disgusted with some of her friends from high school who all want to become pastors but yet their facebook pictures are covered with drinking and playing beer-pong. I don't want to spread gossip but just show that yet again this subject came up in my world. What does this world think of when they think of christians? Hiprocrites or lights? What am I? Do I go about my day speaking of God and how amazing he is when the whole day my heart is being proud, I'm not forgiving people in my life, I'm judging and basically my thoughts are on myself and my heart is cold. Am I a hypocrite?

...Wow! God is amazing because at this very moment 2 saints walked into the engineering lab. Hi's and verses shared...Wow this is the verse given to me, which just goes to show that God is working in our lives when we don't expect it: "My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, 'I know him,' but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." (1 John 2:1-6)

I'm just going to let God speak for himself as he has, for here is a verse from our small group's bible study last night, yet another verse that I didn't think of myself: "Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ." (2 Corinthians 4:1-6)

Summary: If you are Christian walk as Jesus did and when you stumble and fall, remember Christ died on the cross for everyone of your sins, so live in his victory and in God's Grace.

Morning Prayer

I don't want to mess up my life, I want a listening heart and a tamed flesh so that I can hear your voice and feel your Spirit move instead of me. I want to act like your Queen, be as humble as your servant and as trusting as a child. O LORD, King and Father. You transcend all time...let me be patient and wait...give me strength to beat my flesh...teach me to guard my heart...guide me to walk straight...walk in faith trusting in who you are, imitating you in grace and love and by doing so find peace and rest in you Almighty and that is where my hope will be found in your return and may you find faith in your saints...my life let it be all for your glory henceforth that is my joy and let it not fade in the waves of struggle...finding complete satisfaction in you may that be my contentment...For you are Good!

"Call on me and I will answer and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know" - Jeremiah 33:3

May I focus my thoughts and gaze on you. You are my first true love...that is why on my finger lies your ring, eternally. May everything I am, do and say be pleasing to you in light of Jesus' death for only by your grace...do I stand before your throne. Thanks and Praises go to you who is faithful, loving and good to all your children. Hear the cries of all the saints to you today, may their prayers be from sincere hearts...incenses in heaven rise this morning. All Honor and Praise and Glory to you..."Holy, Holy, Holy"...forever may we sing...

Oh sweet rain!

Yesterday I was tired and in pain and so I laid down to take a nap in my high rising dorm loft, oh how sweet. Midway through such said nap the rain began to pour. I smelled it with joy, felt little droplets squeeze through the screen of my window and tap my face and hand, I felt the breeze of the cool light wind, I heard the tap of rain drops on the window pane and the loud crack of lightening. Oh what a glorious nap. God knows I love the rain so thank you dear sweet lover. He is so good to us and so loving. I can't deny it. Thinking back on my honors seminar and it's search for self, asking questions about what is real and what we can trust. I don't know anything but the only thing that matters, God is real and loves me. His son died for each one of my sins and now I can stand with courage before my God, my King, my Lover. Oh what joyous resting truth.

'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.' - Jeremiah 33:3