I want to go home

Many find it unbelievable when I say that I hate going home, I dread holidays because it means that I have to go home, they kick me out of the dorms, look at me strange if I don/t book a flight. Why is it so hard to imagine that I just don't want to go to that house in Boise? I don't call it home anymore and haven't for some time now. I must admit there are fun times and I do get excited sometimes to go back. Today I went ice skating and shopping with my mom, I helped make a cake with my brother and tonight we are going to all watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' my all time favorite movie and tradition. I could get caught in the family traditions and joy of the season but I just don't anymore, it is dead to me.

I try to not let the truth of Christ's birth die in my heart but it's hard this time of season, in this house, with these people to celebrate such a joy. A family that yells at each other constantly and hides it all minutes later with jokes and fake smiles. They try to buy happiness and eat happiness but because neither are satisfying they consume more, I'm disguised not so much with them but with myself. As I'm here I easily get caught in the search for satisfaction in such worthless idols. I get caught up in the variety of foods that we can make and eat, I trick my mom in to getting me those things that I think will bring me a better life and I stare at that TV watching movies and episodes of 'Deal or no deal'. It's not that I mad at them its that I mad at myself. Choosing things of this world rather than God and I wonder why it is so hard to read and pray when I'm here! Hard to believe God would still love such a wretch as me, but he does and will forever. He is patient as I need to be with my mom, he is loving as I need to be with my dad, He is forgiving as I need to be with my brother, he is giving as I need to be with my brother and I need to die to myself..."Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." - Philippians 2:3-4, but read it all. Christ was born and from there humbly lived, obedient to death, gave all of himself for me and you and my family and this world...dare I complain of my time here as this blog started as, I wanted to throw in the towel and plea that God take me home, I wanted to quit and live for myself in heaven, but that is not how it works only humbly will I enter heaven...I am not humble.

As you read this don't just pray for me but pray for yourself as well because if you don't realize the sin in your own life, if you don't see your own fallen world, wake up! We all need humility...be like Christ oh we can if we die, die, die to our filthy selves and humbly love and serve God's children. This is the family God put me in so that I would face up to the reality and see that God as a 'good' plan for my life, a 'good' plan that brings him glory not me.

If my brother wants me to cook him dinner, than I should. If my mom wants me to go shopping with her than I should. If my brother wants to tickle me than I should let him, and whoever asks from me something let me give freely...for like I told a friend yesterday, 'It is all God's' that includes our possessions and our very selves.