This is part of a letter I had to write in regard to an event in my life I chose to post it for there was a valuable lesson that I learned through this.
I have come to a deeper understanding of what went on Tuesday Feb 21st. Despite what others might believe I was actually in control of the situation. I could have at any point in time stopped but I thought it was helping me release feelings and frustrations I was having about my mental health and all of the events that lead up to my current state of mind. These feelings and frustrations came out in a some what violent and out of the ordinary way. Along with fighting my frustrations I was fighting God in the sense that I was angry that he hadn’t healed me yet. The biggest realization was the joy and peace that was found that I had forgotten. After fighting and struggling I eventually grew tired and unable to continue the struggle. I finally made the choice to stop. In tears I realized that one can’t win at a fight with God but that my walls of pride had to fall down. In tears because of God’s unfailing love for me I once again surrendered my pain and my mental struggles to him. Only he can heal me. I can’t fight this fight on my own. “To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.” Colossians 1:29 I need his strength and guidance as well as the guidance he gives to those saints around me who too are filled with the Holy Spirit. He loves me and many others in my life love me as well and for that I am thankful.
God is sovereign in my life and so even though this was nerve rattling for me and many others I am rejoicing. “Sorrowful yet always rejoicing.” – 2 Cor. 6:10 My life is in his hands and so whatever trials that are still to come he will still be there with me. If one is not a believer this may not sound like there is much hope for I am saying that harder struggles have yet to occur. But saying that I am in the Lord’s hands is actually a message of deep love and hope.
“The joy of the Lord is your strength” – Nehemiah 8:10
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