Message of Love

Yesterday I was walking to class listening to the Building 429 CD and "No one Else Knows" played. It was one of those I've listened to this song a couple times before but now, this moment in time it resonates with me. I had to stop and soak it in, I was only a little late to class.

"I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands"

I try not to give songs too much great, or use them as my only link to God. But there are those verses like the above one that are just poetic versions of my own prayer. I could ramble on but there aren't words to express or explain what God has been telling me this week. A message of love despite of me, I'll I have to do is leave my life in his hands.

No One Else Knows -Building429

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

His Love Endures Forever

So I went to the ER last night because of Chest pain, but no worries because it was just heart burn! While there my friend Katie brought me my bible. Delightfully I flipped to the psalms. Katie's Fav being 136. To sum it up "His Love Endures Forever" And it does. I sat there as my friends took turns visiting me all with the same worried face and the same question "are you all right" and all finishing with the same statement "I love you". The doctor began to joke with me that the waiting room was getting overcrowded with my fan club! He was a funny one, nickenamed the "clown". Reminded me of an Indian version of Patch Adams. If he didn't know what was wrong with you medically he could at least make you smile. He said something that stuck with me in the since of a conviction. "Be thankful" he said. give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. -1 Thes 5:18 It is a blessing that I have so many that love and care for me. Even to the point that they wouldn't believe I was alright unless they saw me in person. I am thankful, I am thankful that they love me. But at the same time I'm even more thankful for God's love for me. God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. - Psalm 46:1 (I randomily chose as I was lying in my hospital bed). During the whole event God was there as my refuge and strength, from beginning of the pain to when all the EMT's and firemen came into my room to the ambulance ride, through all the tests and even now hours after the ordeal. He still loves me, no more no less.

So now even after all of that I still have to take a test this evening, Crud! But thankful because God is with me!

Thanks for all the prayers! I may be stubborn but I do need you all at times so thankyou.

11:11.11 on 11/11 PRAISE GOD!!!

I just happened to take a glance at my clock at just the right moment!

So what am I thankful for:

-I'm thankful for the glorious sunrise this morning, the couple seconds I saw before falling right back asleep
-I'm thankful for Angie and the wonderful breakfast with her
-I'm thankful for my many jobs
-I'm thankful for my parents allowing me to go to CSU
-I'm thankful for the hard lessons
-I'm thaknful for the beep-beep of the card reader at the dorms, and the beep-clunk! of the card rereader at work
-I'm thankful for warm/cold/warm/cold showers
-Im thankful for tater tots
-I'm thankful that I'll be home in 8 days
-I'm thankful for all the brothers and sisters God has blessed me with
-I'm thankful that You(God) love me
-I'm thankful that Jesus died for my sins, rose in 3 days and now waits for my arrival and until then has blessed me with the Holy Spirit
-I'm thankful that God's word runs through my head
-I'm thankful for this life and the purpose you have for it

Minesweeper or Mindsweeper

I confess my addiction to the game of Minesweeper. Sitting hours in front of a computer in the labs often results in me participating in the mind draining game of minesweeper. Once a game that challenged my mind has now turned into one that turns my brain to mush not to mention there is nothing gained only a loss. If there was a way that I could delete it from the computer that would be a life saver. But that leads me to where God fits in this whole story. I'm referring to thoses struggles and situations when we wish we could just delete the thoughts, delete the mistakes, delete the situation that we don't want to face. But rather than deleting God gives us the courage and strength to overcome. To be self controlled. We are going to have to have those hard conversations, we are going to have to overcome those temptations. We aren't promised to be free from these things but instead give them up to God (prevent anxiety, Phil 4), seek his guidance, accept his Spirit of power and rejoice in the suffering because we are being obedient.

Prayer

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful." Colossians 4:2

So I decided for some random reason to read colossians today. Oh boy did God bless that decision. One of the verses that really jumped out was 4:2

Ok devote yourself to prayer, I've heard that before, I'm not perfect at it but I try. But we are also called to be watchful. Watchful?!?! I took that to mean watch how God answers prayers. We are suppose to pray with the belief that we will be answered so why not watch. Why not watch to see how God answers the prayer. Open our hearts and minds to the way God works, to see that he answers the prayers but not in the way we expect.

and be thankful. Thankful for the answered prayer.

So pray, watch to see how God answered it and be thankful for when he does.

Emotional wreck

It's amazing how quickly I can turn into a emotional basketcase. I went for a short walk last night to a wooded area near the dorms, that I would go to last year all the time. Last time I was there was at the beginnning of year. Well things have changed. Normally I go to this one stump and ponder things through with God but last night I arrived to discover that my much loved stump was gone! To you all this may be a silly thing to get worked up over, but for me it was an important part of my life, something that was not suppose to change, it was a security. When the world was spinning around me it would sometimes be the one thing standing still. Now it is gone! Oh boy did I get worked up. More faith in a stump! I cried to God about everything because I was convinced that I had no faith, convinced that God didn't care to answer my prayers. Back at the dorms I cried out to Liz, emotional as ever, not allowing the truth she was speaking to settle. I stormed off only to be confronted with Emily's Holy Spirit. There I had to confess that I was allowing Satan to tell me lies, confess that I was running from the body and not letting my brothers and sisters help me. Off into a quiet place by myself with God was her perscription. There I found peace.

So what is to be learned of this story. Well I learned that it is so tempting to run from the body, thinking that they don't carry. Really your just letting the devil have a foothold which is wrong (Eph. 4:27). When you are struggling let your brothers and sisters bear with you only then will you taste true peace.

God is everything and everything else

A journal entry:
But God didn't promise an easy life. He did promise a life not without him. He is that hand to hold when dad tightens the braces, he is that friend to hug when your world is falling apart, he is that tissue that catches every tear, he is that bear to squeeze when scared, he is that blanket to warm when the world hits you cold, he is that fish that listens to every word without judgment, he is that story that made be want to become a princess in my peaceful dreams, he is that nightlight that makes me feel safe, he is that counselor that tells you what you need to do to make things right, he is that parent that gives you all you need and want, he is that letter from a teacher that inspires you to be all you want to be, he is that lover that just enjoys painting a sunset just to see you smile, he is that empty room that always reveals the true self, he is the perfect being that one looks up to. God is everything and everything else.

I speak the truth, but I don't like it

I hate it when my ownself erks me. I hate it when it's clearly all my fault. I hate it when I sin, when I'm disobedient and when I'm complacent. I hate that all I can do is cry out to God, asking why do I do it? No condemnation just peace. But again I'm not perfect. My intial reaction to failure is condemnation. That is why I ask to be filled with the Spirit so that I don't mess up to begin with and secondly so that if I do I will be filled with peace.

Walking to class yesterday (answer to pray, I went to every class despite the MANY temptations, Praise God) I was reading the Collegian to see what these reporters consider important news. The first article was about that house church group that sets up a table on the plaza. It's amazing how much talk there is about God and Christianity, it makes my heart beat faster. The second article was about Harvey Milk Day. I knew this article would come because I was quoted after an enjoying half hour long conversation with Andy. I learned alot yesterday. I read the article and reaching my quote something in me turned over(not the eggs I had for breakfast but my Spirit)

I'll quote myself again, "I don't know what it's like to be discriminated against." How could I say that, better yet why is it true?

Luke 21:17 All men will hate you because of me.
John 7:7 The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify that what it does is evil.
Matthew 10:22 All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.
Mark 13:13 All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.
Luke 6:22 Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.
Matthew 24:9 Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me.

I should be discriminated against. discrimination is treatment based on one's class. I am a citizen of Heaven, I am a follower of Jesus. What about the scriptures? Why don't I face discrimination everyday because I'm a Christian? Why am I not persecuted here? seriously! I won't except that it is hard to be a Christian in America, it only is because we aren't being real Christians, we are complacent. I am a sleep and I want to be awoken! I want to be on fire for Christ. I wanted be like those Jesus speaks of, handed over to be persecuted and put to death...because of him. I'm not asking to be persecuted just for the sake of persecution but because I want to glorify God. I want my faith and obedience to be so strong that the world hates me, trully can't stand me and my odor.

14But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. 15For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? 17Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God. - 2 Corinthians 2:14-17

Like men sent from God, I want those around me to know that I follow Chirst, I want my presense to shake people. I want to be a fork in the road. Either people run to God or run from God because of my testimony!

My prayer: God I pray for the opportunity to die to myself today, the opportunity to chose you above this world. I pray for my day as I am going and coming, you are watching over all my actions and you will never forsake me, thank you. But God I want to be used by you, I want to be exausted for you at the end of the day. God I pray for guidance and for the increase of faith. I desire not to just speak of persecution but to experience it as well.

John 12:24

This is for you Eddie, thanks for sparking the joyful discussion at dinner.

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." - John 12:24

In order to produce fruit, in order to follow Christ we must die. We must die to ourselves.

“Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it." Mark 8:34-35(New King James)

Do you desire to follow Christ, do you desire to do God's Will? Then you my brother must die, you my sister must die.

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." Hebrews 11:13-16(ESV)

We should keep our eyes fixed on our true home. If we do, the lives we have here look less desirable. Oh the joy of that thought!

I was told the other day to stay joyful, I struggled with this truth because at the time I was in much anguish, anguish over this world. I was sick of it and its lies. How could I found joy in this moment. The joy to be found was that Christ died for us and is calling us to die to ourselves. Peace is not in this world it is in the place to come. Praise God for his word, for his faithfulness and for the beautiful God that he is.

I leave you with this challenge and question. First memorize scripture, memorize the truths that God has given us because they will protect us from the lies that Satan tries to push into our minds. They will remind us of the joy that we have in Christ.

And the question is: How have you died today?(Let God answer what that means)

Praise God for the Saints he puts in my life.

Trust God

Wait! What? I have to trust God?

Until now I've just been "trusting" God really I trust myself and when things work out I say "Praise God" But now I have to trust completely.

Basically I won't get my heart's desires unless I trust him completely. I have no control. I found out this weekend that if I'm going to go to India, I'm going to have to trust God will provide the money. I work but that money is going to pay for my education, another thing that I'm going to have to trust God with! Oh boy! I cried because I was told by my parents that I can't use my own money, but really I was crying because I had to release my control to God. If God provides I go, if not I don't, it's that simple. The agony that my pride is going through!

God is Real

This week I've been learning that God is Real, what John Meyer has been saying at church is true. Through the many stories of faith God has shared with me, I'm believing more and more.

The reason I write tonight is because of the most recent experience. This evening I went to the Strength Team at Summitview. Normally we go Wednesday nights to babysit at the church but the Strength Team is at the church until Sunday. It is a group of VERY muscular men who do feats of strength but at the same time they share the gospel.

I was a little iffy of what they were to do but that is just part of the story, my lack of faith. Even sitting there I had many doubts. Doubts that this was an effect means of ministry, doubts that this is the right way, doubts that people will hear the gospel, doubts that these guys were really Christians, doubts that this is just another "American Christian" style of event, doubts that God would be mentioned but not the focus, I even began to doubt Summitview's beliefs because they were supporting this. I had such a small about of faith but God is real.

Later into the event my heart changed. The testimonies and what the guys said started to make me think. It was during one of the prayers that God really should me that he was there and that he was real. The lead guy, Mike, asked people during prayer to raise their hands if they wanted him to pray for them. If they were to accept Christ for the first time or just rededicate their lives to him. I was at the same time praying for at least a couple to raise their hands. God specifically put the 2 grandparents sitting behind us on my heart, I didn't know why. After the prayer Mike asked those to come forward if they accepted Christ or recommitted their lives to Christ. It was the alter call. My first time witnessing one and so God became as really as ever that next minute as I watched so many walk to the front. I would say 30 or so. Of course along with the mass were the 2 grandparents sitting behind me. What! Could it be! God is Real!

Walk by Faith and Trust me!

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship - Romans 12:1

Sitting in Matrices class today I knew I had planned to meet with Lesley to share the gospel but I kept thinking of excuses to not go. There was a lot on my mind, my heart wasn't on the lost, I was getting a stomach ache and I just wanted to take a nap but I still made my way to meet her after class. She read me Romans 12. A living sacrifice. God, You want me to sacrifice my time for you. Okay fine, lets walk by faith. After praying and reading 2 Tim 1:7-9 I was ready to go.

At the beginning of the day I knew today wasn't going to be a normal Tuesday, God was going to do something big today.

Entering the plaza we just stood in the middle and closed our eyes hoping for a tug. Testing my faith. About a minute later I hear "Abra". It's Sam Mast. So the three of us chatted. He explained how he didn't understand what he was study, didn't understand how there can be such finite numbers for something we can barely see. We are taught to accept some truths by faith. That's the same with Christianity, walk by faith. We asked him where we should go and he told us the engineering building. I confess I didn't want to go because I was so set on the small area of the plaza and I believed for some reason nobody in the engineering building would be free to listen to us. "Trust me, walk by faith" God said in my ear and so we changed direction and found ourselves talking to a girl. Invited her to church, gave her a bible and prayed she would come to know Jesus as more than just a man.

After praying Lesley suggested the oval and that the next person we talked to we would ask them where to go next, like a scavenger hunt. Upon approaching the oval there appeared to only be surveyors but God shined a light on a figure way up a head. We got closer and discovered it was a young man with bible open and praying. But He came up from his prayer and we shared what we were up to. Joseph was his name. He told us his story of leaving school and going to the house of prayer and than found himself called to come to Colorado and here he was checking out the campus. He eagerly joined us for the next couple hours. 2 conversations later, much time in prayer and listening to what the Lord has been teaching him I had to leave for class. I wanted to share this story with you all because I learned a lot about faith today. And by walking in faith God blessed me with this encouraging brother that might even join us for small group on Thursday.

Looking back I almost chose to take a nap rather than watch God work in amazing ways.

Oh and have you read the Colligian today? There is an article that explains how there can only be one right religion. If you read the opinion section there is often a article that shares truth, really! Praise God that these articles are being printed.

Give it your all or not at all

When presented with the idea to raise money to provide help for the needy, I feel like I have one of two options. Either Give all or not at all. If I'm going to give $20 why not $100 or even more. Kashmir needs help, they need tents and blankets and supplies and love. I'm told this and than find myself contemlating what do I do. What does God want me to do. Give up what is not important in my life, or are those blessings that I should be thankful for. We are to be content at all times. But I'm not content. Not content to give a little while I live in a life of luxury but I also won't be content if I don't obey God. What does God want? Pray Pray Pray

Missions!

There is something about the word that both excites me and terrifies me. The thrill of traveling and sharing the gospel in a new place. But yet the fear that I'll be persecuted or unprepared. Cast all your anxieties on him. As Jesus looked at the Joy set before him, let us look at the joy set before us! Doing God's will that is our mission. Here is some news that hit me, we are already on the mission field! Called to share his word, keep his praise on our lips, walk in his light, train ourselves in his word, pray always and trust him entirely.

"Missions in other countries aren't for me, that is for somebody else to do, but that's okay because I'll pray for them" These words are my own, If I was asked why I don't want to go to another country for mission work this would have been my answer.

1. How do I know it's not for me?
2. Who is this somebody else? If everybody said this than who would actually go
3. How much do I really pray for other mission trips? really? Don't I often pray for myself, than friends and family, and than whatever big event is happening, and than ... How often do I pray for the world? And when I do, how often are they small prayers and mostly only when something big happens? If I'm going to use pray as an excuse than I need to really pray.

Here is a thought that struck me last night. What if we switiched everything, flipped it all around. What if we saw the states as just another country! Imagine if you were in Pakistan right now, or wherever. Imagine you lived there all your life and somebody asked you to go on a mission trip to the US. Would you go? and if so why? Is it the worldly luxuries, the comforts, the lack of persecution, the chance to live a "good" christian life and not to be living day by day trusting God for every need.

"Some do have to stay in the US" Okay. But what makes you think that is where God wants you? Rather than waiting for the call to go on a mission trip how about we wait on a call to stay. If God wants you to stay than he'll stop you from going. For me I'm planning to go. I don't know yet where but out of here.

Here is another thought. America has heard the gospel. Wouldn't it be a big testimony if we left to go on a mission trip, leaving behind the comforts of the states. Trully living for God that is my desire.

The end of my ramblings, But if you really want to know what God has in store for your life ask him and read his word.

This verse grabbed me:
"How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" Romans 10:14-15

Lost in a sea of faces

Walking through the plaza on my way to class this song played on the radio. It clicked with the feeling that I was experiencing that moment in time. I have felt feelings of not fitting in before, all of my life actually. One reason to leave Idaho was to start over hoping that I would fit in some where. Well I still don't fit in but this time for a better reason, because I don't belong in this world. As I sit in class I realize how temporarily my time on earth is, it makes it hard to go to class cause I just want to live and explore what the Lord has made. I than walk through the plaza passing many that I don't know and don't know me. The strange feeling that everybody else knows something I don't or are being guided by something different than me. Like a leaf falling off a tree I wonder if they would even notice my frail body lying under their feet. But I'm not a leaf that gets torn up by this world, withered by time. I'm that leaf that caused me to bend down and grab a hold of. God chose me out of a million faces. Jesus died just so that I wouldn't be lost in the sea of faces, in the piles of leaves. Praise his Name!

"Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess his name." - Hebrews 13:15
"Sea Of Faces" - Kutless

I see the city lights all around me
Everyone's obscure
Ten million people each with their problems
Why should anyone care

And in Your eyes I can see
I am not just a man, vastly lost in this world
Lost in a Sea of Faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because you traded Your life for mine

Sometimes my life it feels so trivial
Immersed in the greatness of space
Yet somehow you still find the time for me
It's then You show me Your love

And In Your eyes I can see
And in Your arms I will be
I am not just a man, vastly lost in this world
Lost in a Sea of Faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because you traded Your life for mine

If only my one heart
Was all you'd gain from all it cost
Well I know you would have still been a man
With a reason
To willingly offer your life

I am not just a man, vastly lost in this world
Lost in a Sea of Faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because you traded Your life for mine

Just one in a million faces

***A gift for those who read to the bottom***
I also learned the sign for respect and the sign for honor and the sign for hero. All look up to the skies, to the heavens, to my God. Whom I desire to respect and honor and always look to as my hero. "A person noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose, especially one who has risked or sacrificed his or her life" Is not Jesus the best example of a hero?

With a Song I Greeted the Day

I awoke this morning with this song on my lips and there it stayed through the day. God will be with me through all times and I will never be separated from him. He is my heart's desire and he is above all else.

"As the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after Thee
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship Thee

Chorus
You alone are my strength, my shield
To you alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship Thee

You're my friend and you are my brother
Even though you are a king
I love you more than any other
So much more than anything
Chorus

I want you more than gold or silver
Only you can satisfy
You alone are the real joy giver
And the apple of my eye
Chorus"

What if?

What if we all walked by the same beat?
Different paces, different paths
But the same beat
Different voices, different songs
But the same beat

What if we all moved by the same wind?
Some rustle, some sway
But the same wind
Some leaves, some grass
But the same wind

What if we all lived by the same source?
Both water and bread
But the same source
Only way, only satisfaction
Same source of life

Honor your parents

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— Eph 6:1-2

I was reminded last night to honor my parents and than this verse came to me in an email. My parents pretty much are paying for my college right now, everything. I thank them and than seem to forget about the gift. Every class one skips costs money, not mine but my parents. By not going to class it's like I'm not honoring my parents. I've been praying for a desire to learn and to go to class. This is somewhat of an answer because I want to honor my parents.

Pains

Watching 2 sisters last night suffering with pains not completely known, my heart ached. Ached for them to get better and be relieved of their pain. I wanted to take their pain, I wanted to carry their burden because I didn't want them to suffer. I wanted to do what Galatians 6 tells us "Carry each other's burdens" But I'm confident that this isn't what God meant. I don't know what God means in Galatians that is something else to pray about. I do know that Christ died for all(1Peter3:18) and I know he endured for us(Hebrews12:3) and I know he suffered and I know that God gave up his one and only son for us(John 3:16). I'm not called to take my friends pains. I also know that I wouldn't be able to take them for am too weak myself. I already complain in my own heart about my pains, I already limp because of pains, I already ditch out on classes because of my own pains but do I even know pain. Christ knew, knows pain because he endured all pains. He endured what I should have, what I know I couldn't. I think of the Waiting song "beautiful blood" "to carry a debt that I never could". Oh praise him, that we don't have to endure such pains and that the pains that we do endure are for his name and that we will never be separated from him (Romans 8)