Fear

There is something about phones that gives me the willies and makes my heart jump a couple beats. Too many bad things have followed a phone call, too many bad memories. Sometimes I’m scared to pick up or even listen to the voice mail because the unknown frightens me to the bone. Shakes and quicken breaths follow and in a dark corner I pray to my God that nothing bad would be on the other end.

A message of a lost loved one, a message of hate and messages of heart ache…confusions and lies…life changes and announcement of things I wish not to hear…suicide attempts and lost ones near…stern voices and shaken lives…act quickly or freeze in panic…erase or face…words I wish not to hear and I wish to never utter…messages that make my heart curdle…midnight or midday and fear comes when ever I hear that ring and see a name…ring!

So what is fear? “A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger” Answers.com would say. Could it be the absence of trust when the unknown is near? Eddie asked and here is my response. When I hear the word fear two scenarios roll through my head. The first is all the times when I pushed God aside and let myself try to take the wheel and sure enough I crash and that is when finally the second scenario occurs as I watch God direct me down a path of good and peace as I’m faced with the fear of God and knowing that I should always choose the path that God directs because He is faithful and knows what is best.

It is in that dark corner I spoke of before and it is on my knees in tears that I have trembled because of the fear of God. No matter what scenario is set before, the anxious feeling in my stomach comes when I fear the phone call and the unknown that follows but it is when my soul trembles as I watch how this mighty King that I can call Father wraps his gracious arms around me and lifts me out of the pit I have dug for the millionth time and shows me that there is far more good things that follow when I trust God and when I make a call to Him no matter how corny that might sound.

This past month I have learned to walk and talk with my God. The most basic of “Christian” things to do but some how the hardest to achieve at. We mask and pretend but the reality is that there is more that awaits us especially if we choose to communion with God. I’m not claiming to be the best but I can’t deny the change that has already occurred. To him I often cry and ask first because I have been relocated from my support barriers in the past. That is Summitview and the rock, my team, accountability partners and close friends. I’m left to discover and build upon a sturdier source, my King and my Father. That is why I’m here to declare to those who check my blog that for the rest of the summer I will not be writing for even as I write this I see it as yet another place in which I pour out instead of pouring out to God…So farewell for the summer.

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